Spencer graduated with a degree in Respiratory Therapy in 2008. Yeah oh man that year was the start of a down slide for us.

He graduated with really good grades, from a school that was loved in the medical field (at the time). Only problem was no one was hiring. Our economy had started to decline in 2000 and it was all coming to a head that year. He tried putting in resumes all over the country. It was so disheartening!

At the same time people around us were telling us that we weren’t doing enough for Spencer to get hired. That we weren’t trying hard enough to get resumes out. That was all I was doing was submitting resumes while Spencer was at work. They thought I was only putting in resumes in our area. That was so not the case. But they never asked. They just assumed. Also everyone wanted us to move out of state. I never understood that. It was just as bad everywhere else.

It took him 6 months to find a Respiratory Therapy job. It was a huge miracle that he was even hired. It was such a nice campus too. It was called John C. Lincoln- Deer Valley Campus back then. It had one of the best PEDS ED’s (ER).

We moved out the same month he was hired. Got our own apartment because let’s face it that was all anyone could afford at the time. I had mentioned looking at 3 bedroom apartments and wanting to check the price. We were told that was the biggest mistake of our lives. (Have I ever mentioned I felt like I was living in the twilight zone?). I wanted to separate Connor and Rylee but we just couldn’t afford it. We had to move into a 2 bedroom. Which we still live in to this day. We never ever got a 3 bedroom. Well same person told everyone we got a 3 bedroom and that we were dumb for it and so when we were moving people were mad at us and acted coldly toward us. (I didn’t want to ask for help for that very reason).

A year after Spencer was hired his pay was cut by $6 an hour. That was a huge hit. At the same time our medical bills just kept adding up. It was such an anxious time. We went from feeling like wow, yes we are finally going somewhere in life, to being kicked down again. And of course being kicked while down by others. When I voiced my concern and worries, I was told other people had it worse so I didn’t have the right to feel that way. I should be more grateful of what I had. I was plenty grateful thank you very much.

We ended up having to file bankruptcy because of our medical bills. It was the only solution we could come up with. People couldn’t understand why I wasn’t working (well because I couldn’t). Every time I saw certain people they would say you need to find a way to work. We need to find you a job.

The other lecture I would get was I shouldn’t spend money ever. Sometimes I would have friends give me their used clothes so I had something to wear and I would get lectured saying I shouldn’t spend tons of money on clothes and that I needed to get stuff from the second hand store. I finally had to say one time that my outfit was free and that was better than the second hand store. If I went and got the kids a burger on the value menu because it was a bad day, I was lectured. I was lectured about everything. I found out later, part of it was because someone had started a rumor (without knowing me), that I was stupid, ditzy and immature and what was Spencer doing with me. (You really can’t make this stuff up).

Spencer (Critical Care trained and worked in the PEDS ED) survived a couple rounds of lay offs. But by the time 2011 came around he was laid off with the rest of them.

Side Note- in the middle of all of this we joined a Special Olympics Team called the Gilbert Roadrunners. They would become our family. Coaching helped keep my mind off of everything going on. 10 years later we are still with the team and still coaching. We love you guys and all the experiences and opportunities we have had because of you!

Spencer losing his job crushed me. It was added on to other things going on. And because the economy was still bad, there was no hiring. Hospitals were shutting down. Hospitals were keeping skeleton crews of respiratory therapists. Spencer tried hard to get back in. Presently he is just now getting calls and emails for positions.

To Be Continued.

At the height of trying to figure out Connor and Rylee a family member kept asking us to move in. Each time we turned them down. It wasn’t out of pride I just knew that my kids issues would be a problem and I needed to be able to deal with them the way I needed. Well the asking was relentless so we agreed and moved in. Spencer would start school full time 6 months later.

This was hard for me. I think those years of living there were the hardest I have ever had in my life. Everyday was confrontational. I had the kids fed and in bed before the family member was home. Which was a battle in in itself. I was very lonely. Felt very unwanted there, even though they asked. Despite what people thought, moving there did not help financially. They thought we were going to save a ton moving there but it cost only $200 less than the rent we were paying to live with the family member. And Spencer didn’t make much as a CNA.

We were constantly told by several people that we were making poor choices in life, and that everything was the biggest mistake of our lives. My parenting was questioned on a daily basis. I was already struggling with knowing I was inadequate at parenting the children I have. Then to have many people tell me I make poor choices and that they question my parenting skills, was so hard. It was mind and soul crushing.

During those long, hard, dark three years I never heard anything nice about me, my kids or anything I did. Everyday was filled with complaints. How I looked, what I wore, how the kids looked. I try to not revisit these memories often because they are dark for me. This is what I felt living there. Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel like I should have praises sang to me. Maybe a little more less judgmental criticism would have been nice. Maybe a little more supportive. But no one knew what was going on because I wasn’t allowed to talk about it. I needed to suck it up and deal with life. Which is what I was doing.

All I wanted to do was explain everything going on. In their eyes I was a bad mom and lazy and did everything wrong. What was really happening was, I was busting my tail trying to keep one kid a live and the other healthy (sick all the time). I was even told I was horrible mom because I was giving Connor the prescribed medicine he was supposed to take, that the doctors wanted him to take. Because the others said no one should be on all the meds they were on. Would you tell a cancer patient that they didn’t need their chemo or their anti nausea meds or their IVs? I would hope not.

Alright this is getting a little rambling and talking about stuff that doesn’t need to be out in the open.

During this time Connor had a lot of testing done on him. The school district found him in need of special needs preschool. His speech was becoming delayed. Partly because he was deaf for a bit but had surgery and now he is fine. And other part well he has Autism.

Oh Autism, the word so many around me dislike and claim that he does not have. (Who would make that up). They found him to have issues with OCD and then later ODD. He was able to be placed in a program called Amancear Preschool. It is an integrated program where part of the students are typical and the others have some sort of special needs. The typical kids are the role models.

He loved school and riding the bus. I think the bus was his favorite. Connor received sensory therapy, speech therapy and worked on control issue goals right in the classroom. He didn’t need to leave. Life was a little bit more manageable with him when he started school.

Connor was still screaming at every meal time which I would put him in the other room and let him cycle through it. It was not time out but I was told I put him in time out too much and I was a bad parent. I was also supposed to ignore some of his behaviors and not give attention to them (according to AB therapy) again I was a bad mom. I couldn’t win. But other than those few things he was getting better.

His preschool team were amazing and they have been angels in my life. I still have contact with them and even worked in the classroom for a semester. They worked wonders with him.

Rylee was starting to gain weight. She still looked like at tiny baby at almost a year old but she was healthy for the most part.

Spencer was working full time and school full time. Many times he was gone from sun up to midnight. He just came home to sleep.

I was really burnt out. I know I keep saying this, but I really was. I didn’t have my own family around to go and see if I wanted out. My friends stop coming by to see me because they felt unwelcomed. I was anxious all the time and very depressed. But I had to hide that because according some it is weak. You need to smile through all your problems. I was even told I didn’t have anything to be stressed about, which made me feel even more guilty for feeling the way I felt.

Today looking back, I can say I am proud of that girl because she made it through so much and survived. Others may think she was weak, lazy and not a good parent, but I know she tried her best. I gave my all, and I never shirked my duty. I may not have reached others’ expectations but I did what I could do with what I was given. And I will never be perfect.

That is the hardest thing for me being mortal, is that I have never done anything perfect like some other people. Everything I do is riddled with mistakes. I am proud of the people who have something they are good at that they do mistake free! I get excited for them. But that isn’t in the cards for me in this life.

To Be Continued…

After Rylee was born she had a hard time staying awake. She never wanted to eat. She couldn’t suck very well on anything and definitely did not want a bottle. She screamed anytime we would try to give her one.

When she would eat, she would projectile vomit everything back up. It would come out of her nose and mouth and would be everywhere. We went to several doctors and they could not figure out what was wrong with her. They finally just gave her the diagnosis of failure to thrive. Later we would find out she should have had a feeding tube. But with a lot of prayer and inspiration we kept Rylee alive.

Rylee was essentially starving to death, wasn’t gaining actually losing weight and very small for her age. During this time when I would try to explain what was going on, the comments we would get were oh she will eat before she would starve. Um she was already starving…I got a lot of eye rolls and a lot of, you are a bad parent. Oh and that I was lazy.

I was overwhelmed from Connor screaming all the time and trying to get Rylee to eat. And Spencer was never home. So it was up to me all alone to take care of it all. And since I am human and not a super mom that can do all sorts of things and not break down, I was exhausted, needing a break and it was all wearing me down.

I was also gaining a lot of weight after her birth because of the trauma of Connor’s birth activated a mitochondrial syndrome (a defect in my DNA sequencing). So I had no energy, now I was hurting all the time and miserable. I wasn’t myself. But I pushed through everyday! I just did what needed to be done even if it was basic survival stuff somedays. Let’s just say I had a lot of divine intervention in my life during these early years of raising kids.

*the picture below of Rylee in green she was 6 months but not much bigger than a new born. She was born at almost 8lbs.

To Be Continued

When I first became pregnant with Rylee I lost a lot of weight just like I did Connor. But I wasn’t as sick. The weird thing with Rylee’s pregnancy was that I couldn’t eat meat.

For those who know me well, I eat meat. I would try and but I would gag and couldn’t get it down. All I wanted was vegetables and some fruit. But they had to be frozen or fresh. Canned fruits and veggies would make me sick.

At this time Spencer finally was able to get a CNA job after passing the Arizona State Boards for Nursing Assistants and was able to be certified. But the only places hiring were nursing facilities. And we were right back to him making the same amount he was before.

By the time Rylee was born we had no money what’s so ever. I look back now and think, how ever did we survive? Well because I am stubborn I guess. We had a couple of years of medical bills piling up because of Connor. And some of those bills were because of double billing or having us pay money we shouldn’t have after calling our insurance. (Which was $600 a pay check and Spencer was being paid weekly and only making $12 an hour)

We again were denied any help. Which again was just a trial to strengthen me I am sure. And again don’t feel entitled to getting help, but is sure was hard paying fast offering and having our money go to someone else and needing help ourselves. But that was the human in me. And look we are alive and well for the most part anyway, today.

Rylee, just like Connor came on her due date. I was in labor but couldn’t feel the contractions. I went in because I could feel some pressure. I had a feeling I needed to.

When I was hooked up to the machine that tracks contractions the nurse asked if I could feel anything and I said no just some pressure. And she goes ok, having contractions but not feeling them. She was puzzled.

Rylee was born within 1 1/2 hrs. I had to do it without an epidural because the team was in an emergency c-section (it was like 3:30 am). And in hindsight it was a good thing because apparently I react badly to epidurals.

They gave me a shot to help relax me so that I could just push her out because I wasn’t getting any breaks in between contractions which I started feeling just before she was born. That shot costed us $849.00. If I would have known that I would have said no! Her birth was $2000 out of pocket, with insurance.

When Rylee was born and the nurses took her away to do all the tests, they wouldn’t bring her back. (I think they thought I was a teen mom because they were acting really weird toward me). I finally had to call them to tell them to bring her back to me because she hadn’t eaten all day! It was the weirdest thing!

My recovery this time was so much better. I was ok physically, probably because I didn’t have an epidural. But soon we found Rylee to have some problems with eating and staying awake…

To Be Continued

My first miscarriage happened when I was 20 weeks along. It was a drawn out process. I knew from the beginning that this baby would have a hard time and we probably weren’t going to keep her.

This miscarriage made me so sick. I lost a lot of blood and it took the rest of my energy. Spencer wasn’t able to be home much so I had no relief with Connor and the miscarriage. By the time I officially lost the baby it took about almost a month.

I asked for a blessing in the middle of it all just so I could function. The blessing mentioned that things happen in the Lord’s time (which I knew meant that I would lose the baby) and that I was having children when I was supposed to be having children.

So far a lot of things were happening to test my faith and as they were happening I was being strengthened. I am grateful for these moments no matter how sad, depressing or anxiety filled they were for me. I understand to others these things I was experiencing would be nothing and they could get through it unscathed without a problem. But they were hard for me. But I am thankful they happened. They taught me to rely on the Lord even more.

Two months after the miscarriage I became pregnant with Rylee. So technically I was pregnant for a year. My body did not like this.

To Be Continued…

So I found these wonderfully easy recipes to make and then you double up and make two of the same dinner in one night. Most of them were recipes we ate growing up. So I thought yay! This could go well! Not mention 14 dinners for $100 sold! I am making them.

Staring off I knew it would be hard because we have the world’s tiniest freezer. So I was worried about being able to freeze these dinners. I worked it out that I could just do three at a time. I would stack up my inventory three dinners at a time.

Then there was the problem of some of the recipes made a lot and looked like we wouldn’t be able to finish just the one meal and others my family could probably demolish in one sitting. And might not even be enough for the one night. How would I divide this up. (Luckily left overs from the meals that had a lot in them supplemented the meals).

Then throw in sensory problems with food. I had to worry about texture and taste. I have one that can taste everything in food and won’t touch it if it’s not the greatest or one ingredient is not all that great or too strong to where it over powers everything else. And other that just thinks everything tastes gross that actually tastes great to the rest of the population. And this one has an aversion to textures. (No they aren’t spoiled, it’s an actual condition they are diagnosed with). (No they will not eat if they are starving enough). (Had feeding therapy as baby) (one actually was starving to death as baby because of this).

So as I was making meals, stocking my inventory, being proud of myself for being super organized like I used to be, hurdle #1.

This is gross. Child gagging almost throwing up. Pushes plate away from them. I can’t eat it. Can I please find something else. It’s making me sick. Tater tots folks. What teen doesn’t like tater tots! That is what they couldn’t handle!

Hurdle #2-I under estimated the smallness of my tiny freezer. I could barely fit 3 meals in the freezer. The whole point not able to be done. I became very discouraged. I was trying to save even more money on food. Trying to stretch the money and trying to portion our food so that we were eating good portions and good ingredients.

Well lesson learned. I experimented and learned. About half of the recipes called for cream of whatever soup. Only one teen can handle the soups. The other one just about barfs over it.

Sooo on to the next experiment. (Can you tell one of my favorite subjects in school was science?) I am now trying some crockpot meals that can be put into freezer bags. These meals have more of a variety of flavors. 🤞they will eat this.

Maybe someday I will get this right. I know many moms who have this down perfect and so I guess this is is where I lack in skill. A skill I have been judged harshly on lacking in. But at least I can say I keep trying!

Before Connor’s surgery to help infection drain off his ears there was so much going on with him. He screamed most of the day. He only slept 10 min at a time and wanted to eat all the time. He didn’t want to be consoled. Just wrapped up and put into his swing.

I was still trying to recover from his delivery and I was exhausted all the time. Not to mention the stress of not being financially ok, no matter what we did.

I was a mess. No one knew I was feeling that way. No one knew what was going on in our life. Just comments on how we obviously made bad decisions since we were poor. We usually got told what we were doing wrong instead of asking what was going on. Judgments were made without knowing anything. That made it harder.

About this time is when we were wondering if there was something more wrong with Connor besides his immune problem. He didn’t want to be held. He acted like he could t get enough to eat. He had to have weighted blankets on him. And there was the regression he would go through.

He would hit a milestone early. Like really early for his age and then regress. It was so hard because I wasn’t getting any answers from doctors or anyone else. Just that I was a bad mom. (No I did not feel entitled to receiving help, but I really did need some).

Much later Connor would receive the diagnosis of Autism. It explain so many things, especially his screaming. It was because of sensory problems. But the diagnosis was the beginning of a long uphill battle.

To this day we do not know why he was getting sick all the time. And no it wasn’t just eat infections. Poor guy had RSV several times one winter, along with other sicknesses like bronchitis and bronchial pneumonia. This left him with developing asthma.

After his surgery which tubes were placed in his ears (took all of our money and then some), he could run and play a lot better. The day of surgery after his anesthesia wore off he took off running.

He continued to be sick a lot but at least he could hear. His poor ears would drain and drain. His meltdowns got worse at this point.

This would lead up to my first miscarriage that I had at 20 weeks along.

To Be Continued…

When we brought Connor home he cried all night long. Nothing consoled him. Finally I had the idea of putting this heavy blanket we had on him and immediately he went right to sleep. That was his routine, the heavy blanket every night and classical music (don’t worry it wasn’t too heavy for him).

The next day we noticed his IV puncture was swelling. We took him in and well he had a staff infection from the hospital in the spot from where his IV was in. He was prescribed antibiotics and started clearing up.

After that though, everyday he sounded congested and he had a hard time breathing through his nose. He always sounded junky. So I asked his doctor thinking, surely this cannot be normal. His doctor told me it was because his system was getting used to toxins and other things in the environment. I had never heard of that before and no one else’s baby was going through the same thing unless they were sick.

Then the doctor went on this rant about members of my church and putting babies in the nursery at church. He said don’t put your new baby in there keep him away. And I said, sir they don’t go in there until they are 18 months old. And he looked at me like, oh.

Connor continued to get worse and was sick all the time. We were in and out of the doctor’s office. In the meantime our insurance changed which meant we had to change doctors.

At the new doctors office they immediately found out he was allergic to milk (ordered tests), but it still didn’t explain everything. (I was breastfeeding and eating cereal, yeah even though I am allergic to milk).

Connor was going to the doctor every week and on several different medicines a month. The bills were piling up and all our money was going to medical bills. We were paying $650 per pay check (Paid weekly) for insurance, plus $300 or more on prescriptions and $25 co-pay every time Connor went to the doctor.

Finally on one visit Connor’s doctor said he could not be in daycare. I told him I was watch kids in my home and he said I needed to stop. This was hard because there went more of our income. On top of that Spencer lost his second job and couldn’t find another. (Was laid off)

So I had a really sick kid, lost my income and Spencer lost half of his. So we were down to just his paycheck and medical bills that kept piling up. And were denied any government aid. Which was really hard because we had friends that made more than us but easily qualified for help.

Spencer decided he needed to go back to school. So he chose to be a Certified Nursing Assistant to get his foot in the door somewhere. So he borrowed against his 401k to go back to school($1000).

Of course school takes time and then there is taking state boards and waiting for results (before everything was done electronically 😂) and then there was looking for a job.

We had reached out for help but was denied and was told it was because we mismanaged our funds. Of course none of that was true. We didn’t even have any outward indication of that. We didn’t have nice cars. Just one car that was it. Living in an inexpensive apartment in downtown Mesa. I never went clothes shopping or any kind of shopping for myself or any of us. We barely could get necessities, even then sometimes we didn’t get that. It was a loss of income and increasing medical bills every month.

It was fine looking back. We made it through and it helped me rely on the Lord more and faith.

No one still could make of Connor and what was wrong with him. They finally decided on tubes for his ears just so they could drain the infection off his ears. He was now deaf because of ear infections. When they did tests, he didn’t have any hearing waves what’s so ever.

To Be Continued…

I have tried writing this post many times. I would getting going a ways and then delete or get frustrated because I didn’t even know where to start. Some really good friends and acquaintances have written their stories in parts and aha! That was it! I needed to break it up into parts.

I am sure I have told these stories many times and with varying detail. Sometimes I don’t like to go into great detail and sometimes I do. It also depends on the audience. I am sure some will enjoy this and some will roll their eyes. To each their own. I have been inspired to tell the things I have been through. Not to be a victim because I don’t see myself as that, but to maybe help someone, somewhere going through the same things.

The Beginning

Right after we were married we became pregnant right away with our first child. No it wasn’t planned but yes it was supposed to happen.

Through-out the pregnancy I was sick, right up to my delivery. I only gained 12 lbs and that was with losing some weight. Connor was almost 8 lbs so really most of it was him. That just left 4 lbs for everything else.

I had to quit my job I was so sick and no one really understood that. They really didn’t know why I had to quit my job. I was at one point told I was weak because I quit. Having to run and throw up in between customers was getting to be too much, along with not having the energy to do anything. I continued to throw up most of the pregnancy. It made eating really hard.

On the day of delivery ( I was a 7 when I got to the hospital) I was so dehydrated they had a hard time getting an IV started. By the time I was an 8 or 9 they got the epidural in finally.

The whole time I was there they kept looking at me funny and would repetitively ask me what my normal blood pressure and heart rate was. They continued to watch my numbers.

Connor was posterior, meaning his face was turned the wrong way. He was head down but turned wrong. So he has to be shifted which isn’t too comfortable. I was only in labor with him for 5 hrs. But that was the only easy part.

My epidural (just like any numbing agent or any medication that should knock me out) wore off really fast. They offered another shot of the epidural just as I was pushing and agreed to it. Bad idea…

Instantly I started to feel even weaker. I rolled my head over to the machine keeping track of my heart rate and blood pressure. I watched as my heart rate and pressure plummeted. As I watched I wasn’t scared, I wasn’t nervous. After all I was in a hospital, in a bed, hooked up to IVs, surrounded by a medical team. Plus I felt a warm, wonderful peace that everything would be ok. I watched the numbers 80, 70, 40, 30…

Frantic, they quickly gave me a shot in my IV. Immediately my heart rate shot up. It felt as though I was running a marathon but just laying there in a bed. With that situation taken care of I could now push.

Problem #3. Connor was now stuck part way. Turns out his head was 16 inches around and did not cone. His head came out as round as a c-section baby’s head. Everyone thought he was born by c-section after he was born. In order for him to be born I had to get what is called a 4th degree episiotomy. And even then other tools has to be used.

As soon as he was born they didn’t call his birth time. They were working with him. He was in respiratory distress and had to go to the special care nursery. I got two seconds with him and he was rushed off.

He ended up in what is called an oxygen hood, on oxygen and a little IV was placed in his hand. He had to stay in the nursery the first two nights and couldn’t be moved out. Poor little guy!

When they tried to transport me out of my delivery room, I kept passing out. Smelling salts are disgusting. I have the unfortunate experience to know that now. I was not able to see Connor until the next day and even that was an adventure. I finally stopped passing out long enough to go down to the special care nursery and see him.

I was in the hospital for 3 days and he had to be there two more than I was. It was hard to leave without a baby after going through all of that. But he got better at the hospital long enough to go home. We got to go home long enough to find out he was immunodeficient.

To be Continued…

Lately, it seems that the mountains I have been climbing keeps growing upward. Just as I am about reach the peak, the mountain shoots up another 15 meters. Making it seem impossible to reach the other side.

This week as I stepped back and re-evaluating these mountains in my life, I realized some things:

1. Letting some of them go and admitting that I have already done all that I can and I just need to relax.

2. Walking away from some of them is not giving up and not losing. It is just being wise enough to understand that sometimes letting some things go is the best.

3. When I let myself be at peace with things I can listen to what I need to hear and see the things I need to see. No matter how small the problem there was always an answer.

So many things lined up this week. Like our scripture study lesson for the week supported something one of the kids have been working on for 5 weeks in a group therapy session. It was amazing that they were able to get the words to help support these new skills from the New Testament (from apostles of the Lord). This example was only one of the many things I have been trying to climb.

I am so thankful for personal revelation. For being able to see what I needed to do myself in order to receive this personal revelation. After all it’s all about the climb isn’t it? It’s about the growth and the change. Facing the hard things rather than hiding from them is so much more rewarding than hiding from them or just giving up.