At the height of trying to figure out Connor and Rylee a family member kept asking us to move in. Each time we turned them down. It wasn’t out of pride I just knew that my kids issues would be a problem and I needed to be able to deal with them the way I needed. Well the asking was relentless so we agreed and moved in. Spencer would start school full time 6 months later.
This was hard for me. I think those years of living there were the hardest I have ever had in my life. Everyday was confrontational. I had the kids fed and in bed before the family member was home. Which was a battle in in itself. I was very lonely. Felt very unwanted there, even though they asked. Despite what people thought, moving there did not help financially. They thought we were going to save a ton moving there but it cost only $200 less than the rent we were paying to live with the family member. And Spencer didn’t make much as a CNA.
We were constantly told by several people that we were making poor choices in life, and that everything was the biggest mistake of our lives. My parenting was questioned on a daily basis. I was already struggling with knowing I was inadequate at parenting the children I have. Then to have many people tell me I make poor choices and that they question my parenting skills, was so hard. It was mind and soul crushing.
During those long, hard, dark three years I never heard anything nice about me, my kids or anything I did. Everyday was filled with complaints. How I looked, what I wore, how the kids looked. I try to not revisit these memories often because they are dark for me. This is what I felt living there. Don’t get me wrong I don’t feel like I should have praises sang to me. Maybe a little more less judgmental criticism would have been nice. Maybe a little more supportive. But no one knew what was going on because I wasn’t allowed to talk about it. I needed to suck it up and deal with life. Which is what I was doing.
All I wanted to do was explain everything going on. In their eyes I was a bad mom and lazy and did everything wrong. What was really happening was, I was busting my tail trying to keep one kid a live and the other healthy (sick all the time). I was even told I was horrible mom because I was giving Connor the prescribed medicine he was supposed to take, that the doctors wanted him to take. Because the others said no one should be on all the meds they were on. Would you tell a cancer patient that they didn’t need their chemo or their anti nausea meds or their IVs? I would hope not.
Alright this is getting a little rambling and talking about stuff that doesn’t need to be out in the open.
During this time Connor had a lot of testing done on him. The school district found him in need of special needs preschool. His speech was becoming delayed. Partly because he was deaf for a bit but had surgery and now he is fine. And other part well he has Autism.
Oh Autism, the word so many around me dislike and claim that he does not have. (Who would make that up). They found him to have issues with OCD and then later ODD. He was able to be placed in a program called Amancear Preschool. It is an integrated program where part of the students are typical and the others have some sort of special needs. The typical kids are the role models.
He loved school and riding the bus. I think the bus was his favorite. Connor received sensory therapy, speech therapy and worked on control issue goals right in the classroom. He didn’t need to leave. Life was a little bit more manageable with him when he started school.
Connor was still screaming at every meal time which I would put him in the other room and let him cycle through it. It was not time out but I was told I put him in time out too much and I was a bad parent. I was also supposed to ignore some of his behaviors and not give attention to them (according to AB therapy) again I was a bad mom. I couldn’t win. But other than those few things he was getting better.
His preschool team were amazing and they have been angels in my life. I still have contact with them and even worked in the classroom for a semester. They worked wonders with him.
Rylee was starting to gain weight. She still looked like at tiny baby at almost a year old but she was healthy for the most part.
Spencer was working full time and school full time. Many times he was gone from sun up to midnight. He just came home to sleep.
I was really burnt out. I know I keep saying this, but I really was. I didn’t have my own family around to go and see if I wanted out. My friends stop coming by to see me because they felt unwelcomed. I was anxious all the time and very depressed. But I had to hide that because according some it is weak. You need to smile through all your problems. I was even told I didn’t have anything to be stressed about, which made me feel even more guilty for feeling the way I felt.
Today looking back, I can say I am proud of that girl because she made it through so much and survived. Others may think she was weak, lazy and not a good parent, but I know she tried her best. I gave my all, and I never shirked my duty. I may not have reached others’ expectations but I did what I could do with what I was given. And I will never be perfect.
That is the hardest thing for me being mortal, is that I have never done anything perfect like some other people. Everything I do is riddled with mistakes. I am proud of the people who have something they are good at that they do mistake free! I get excited for them. But that isn’t in the cards for me in this life.
To Be Continued…
Adventures in Carrolling 