I Choose Growth

Last night I ended my struggle with a trial that has been ongoing for almost two decades. A trial that was hugely fed on how I reacted to each incident. How I let each thing make me feel. How I allowed emotions and feelings in and what I allowed.

When you try to fight fire with lighter fluid you just get bigger flames. And those flames can spread faster, burning at a more intense heat.

Last night I decided to choose growth instead of allowing these things to hold me back. I walked away from it. This trial started slowly changing me into someone I wasn’t. It was changing me into what other people thought I should be.

Half of this is my fault of course. I let them in. I let their words take little nicks out of me slowly desensitizing me.

I finally realized that my struggles with it wouldn’t change anything. The more I pushed back the more was thrown at me. I realized that it didn’t matter, they didn’t care. The main goal is for me to look bad to others. To create situations where I could look bad.

They gain power from me looking like a horrible person. And the more I push back the more fuel is fed to the flames. The only tool I can use is to ignore it. Don’t let it bother me. Don’t get trapped into the games and just move on.

Sadly it took one last time of them defaming my character that made me finally be done with this. I don’t know why it took so long and so many events for me to get fed up.

Maybe I forgive to easily or justify behavior too quick. I try to see them through God’s eyes. After all we are all children of God and we all make mistakes. I always blame myself more thinking, there are could of been something I could have done differently, or said differently.

But that is just it. No matter what I say, not matter what I do it wouldn’t change a thing. All I can do is stop feeding it. Choose not to let it in. Choose to stop letting it control me and my emotions so that I can move forward. I won’t go back to the person I was before all that. These experiences have changed that, but I would like to say I can change for the better because of them. Even though the journey has been a dark, lonely, negative road and the battle exhausting, this can be changed into something positive now.

Good bye trial that has taken all of my energy, my health, and my progress in life. Sometimes winning is knowing when to walk away from something. I choose growth.